Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Baby gates…

Selfie w/Sugarbritches! Philadelphia-bound... #commanderinchic #nataliereddell #richmond #rva #basketballmama #thesquires #aaubasketball #aau #tournament #richmondsquires #squiresrichmond #philadelphia #fun #smothermother




Baby gates…

Missing the boy… #commanderinchic #nataliereddell #richmond #rva #motherhood #parenting #son #mom #family #ihategoodbyes #lettinggo #letgoandletgod #virginiawoolf #thatface #blessed #HurryHome

There are life moments that are so emotionally charged and significant that they take on a life of their own.  The bitter and sweet are bound up in each other in such a complex way that they become their own unique feeling.  So unique, that you can only identify it as a place you’ve been before if you have The Feeling again…
I am in the kitchen washing dishes while he plays on the floor next to me.  I am talking to him like he understands every word I say, because he does.  My mama told me that a baby’s ability to understand what you say to him is far more advanced than what he can express. The take away: Schuyler understands every single word I say to him.  The thing is, I know that already.  I see it in his face.  And, he knows that I know.
I grab something out of the pantry and come back into the room. Schuyler’s gone. A sense of panic is replaced by the realization that he must have started crawling!  I glance up to see the most precious little diaper heading down the hallway. THIS IS THE FEELING.  Joy, fear, excitement, heartache. Wait! Stop! It’s not safe! No, Go! There is an amazing world for you, precious boy.  How wonderful that you can explore it for yourself.  I want you to go and enjoy your freedom, but I want you to stay with your mama and be safe. Wonderful, awful, exciting and scary.  I am proud and afraid and sad and thrilled. The game has changed.  His world has just grown and I want him to love every inch of it but I also need to protect him.  
I had forgotten The Feeling til last week when that same baby boy got his license and started driving. The Feeling surprised and gripped me but I recognized it immediately. It was as if I were back in my kitchen standing next to his baby blanket with a Pacie in my pocket. Only, The Feeling is stronger and scarier with higher stakes and maybe even greater joy and excitement for this boy and the adventures that await him. Wait! Stop! It’s not safe! No, Go! There is an amazing world for you, precious boy.  How wonderful that you can explore it for yourself.  I want you to go and enjoy your freedom, but I want you to stay with your mama and be safe.  Wonderful, awful, exciting and scary.  I am proud and afraid and sad and thrilled. The game has changed.  His world has just grown and I want him to love every inch of it but I also need to protect him.
I want to put up baby gates! I want to know Schuyler is safe. I want him back on his baby blanket next to his mama where I can protect him. But, he needs to go and see for himself this big, beautiful, crazy, and wonderful world. And make mistakes and learn from those mistakes and grow and make his Own way. The Feeling hurts and scares me, but I have to remember the sweet part, not just the bitter. I have to remember that as his mama I am charged with the duty of instilling in him, to the best of my ability, a moral compass and sense of self that will replace the baby gates. I hope that by my example and mistakes, he will learn what to do and what not to do and to put his faith and hope in God. I pray that all the prayers, pep-talks, mistakes, and love for this baby are enough. And I pray that God’s Will Be Done.